I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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