i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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