he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
