I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
