I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
