So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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