Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
