My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
