Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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