We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your cock deserves a montage
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
