New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
