I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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