Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish there were birth control emojis
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
