420 ftw
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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