:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
