Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
