College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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