My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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