Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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