Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
