Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
