So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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