I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
