??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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