I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
