i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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