Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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