Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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