explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
