Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You may now shotgun with the bride
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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