I have demons in me.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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