Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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