I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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