i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
