I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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