There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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