fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
