I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
