Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
