I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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