Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
