he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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