I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
