hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
