You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
not ubering you a puppy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
