I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
