ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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