If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
