Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
