On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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