And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
