he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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